Rainy Nights flood with Random Thoughts

The following is a small handful of random thoughts that came and went through my mind while on the clock Saturday night. It was raining and dismal and I longed for sleep and someone to hold me. I was also doped up on cold meds and a little foggy in the head. After several trips to and from my office the following is just some random things that I laid out into this post.

• When I was a very young boy I used to strum my toy guitar and sing Eddie Rabbit's "I Love The Rainy Nights." It used to be a party favor for my parents at adult gatherings. Like there was a string attached to my back and they would pull it and I would strum and sing..."I love to feel the rain on my face and the rain on my lips. You know it makes me feel good..."


• I know it sounds ridiculous and maybe even a little cra-cra. But, I am starting to believe that love is it's most real, raw, and true when it eats away at you causing small fits of rage, panic, arousement, anxiety, lust, jealousy. These coming and going by the hour or sometimes by the minute.


• Only a few short hours ago, one of my fellow male employees (a 22 year old immigrant who is heterosexual) asked me if I am scared that being gay may mean I will not have a family and will end up alone. Instead of questioning the origin of his curiosity, I answered the question as clearly, honestly and succinctly as possible. I said, "Absolutely! I am terrified. It is something I believe most people gay and straight are afraid of. However, I believe that gay people have to face everyday of their lives learning how to deal with the possibility of no family and living alone as well as cultivate their own idea and definition of family and loneliness."


• I find myself missing some of the most odd and specific things about my friends and loved ones. For instance, with Joely I miss watching her put on her lip gloss and the smell that seems to lightly lift from her handbag when she combs through it. I miss the Nurse's clean scent after he would take a very long and thorough shower. All freshly scrubbed and humid linen smell. I miss the smell of new car sometimes. Pretty much everyday when I wake up, I miss the smell of cleaner air and the smell of a large house rather than a tiny apartment. And right now, in this moment, I miss my new man's quick little "Ha!" laugh that he has after almost everything.


• Have you ever really sat down and praised yourself for your own personal growth? I hardly do it. I am sure we all should do it more often.