my lovely mixed company

visit this site before you ring in the new year....read this post and all the others.

Such thought. Such yearning for one's own life. I love you Joely.

www.mymixedcompany.com

Excerpt from DEC 7th 2007

It is possible to find some kind of God. And I don’t care what people say. There is a way to move, that pushes you to the edge that brings forth a kind of light that you can’t get from a bottle, or a sermon, or a group of people who convince you they know more. Even more than halfway through my night’s share, belly up to my favorite place, I can look across and remember that there was a point when all it took was for me to push my body to feel a certain Light that no thing or place can bring, and all that separates me is an avenue of rushing cars and some fear of being better than I am right now.

Stuff. It sucks.

I can't believe how fast a year goes by. Let alone this last month.
I haven't written because I have been eating, drinking and sleeping.

That's all I do. This is my truth. I do nothing. I do so much that it is nothing. I feel overwhelmed by the everything that is my nothing and the nothing that makes me feel like everything is left.

I said I wouldn't drink tonight. Last night. The night before. I did. I did. I did. And I have excuses for it all. Someone is visiting. It's the holidays. It was stressful at work. I am bored. I am alone. I need something to do. I said I wouldn't sleep in today, yesterday, the day before. I did. I did. I did.

60 year old man on 30 year old skin.

I hate to ramble and ramble on. But this is where I am tonight. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. I am not so much unhappy as uninvolved. Uninterested.

I think about so many ridiculous things all at once. I will be jotting down some calculation at work while thinking of plucking my eyebrows. I will also be thinking of having sex with an ex while also thinking of trimming my body hair. I will think of exercise while eating something fried. I want to sing when I only have 20 seconds of freedom in a public restroom. I want to cartwheel or skip when I only have three blocks to the train. That bill needs paid. That email needs returned. I should have invested this year. Where is my favorite belt. There are so many thank you cards and notes I should have sent in the past year.

I will never be the same again. But, I am not certain I even know what the same was/is.

But, I like my Christmas tree. I like my candles illuminating my living room. I like the smell of pine cones and cinnamon. I like hearing from long lost friends. I like finding them on myspace or facebook. I hate having nothing to tell them.

Or,better yet...lying about it.

Almost Lovers by A Fine Frenzy

I wished I could say that I wrote this...but, yet again, someone else penned my thoughts for me...

My latest melancholy song by A Fine Frenzy


Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappyI thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do