Breathe out the old...in the new...

At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

I ran to the nearest mirror. I inspected my nose hairs for any extra long strays. I tugged at a few of the bed head strands of my styled-to-look-messy hair. I made sure my shirt was tucked in to reveal my "new" ass. I gargled with my organic mouthwash. I shined my boots. I may have even dropped down and squeezed out twenty push-ups (like when we used to date) to give myself a freshly pumped look.

I came up the stairs to find that I was not afraid. My heart was not aching with every heartbeat as it had so many times before. My hear wasn't even racing. I was angry but confident. You were somewhere you shouldn't be. You were doing all the things you shouldn't do. But, poor you, you just can't stop. I was confident but angry. One could say I was maybe confidently angry. I may have been angrily confident. I am not sure how the combination of the two end up rationing themselves over my emotions. But, I was both. I was grace and power. I was tranquil and in motion. I danced around you with reckless abandon but with total control over my surroundings. I looked you in the eye and saw right through you. You are hallow. I wanted your heart to beat. I wanted your pulse to rise. You were in MY house...UNWELCOME.

But I remained a gracious host. A professional manager. My normal, flirty, happy-go-lucky, playful self.

I believe I breathed my very last high strung breath with regards to you. It was a tight breath but after I let it out, the amount of new, clean, fresh air that I let in carried me to new heights. Higher than you. Bigger than you. And yes, I will say it, BETTER than you.

I am so strong...right now!

Dreams Lend To Reality

I had a dream last night. I have tried to so hard to stifle you and bury you that you have entered my subconscious mind and now I have had my first dream. Isn't that the way the world works. Just when you think they are out of your mind the have entered an entire different realm.

The clouds were low in my dream. Like, right by my window-low. They were puffy and thick and I was sitting on my window ledge hanging my legs out the window letting the thick fog of the clouds run over my legs leaving a murky film over my shins and calves. I heard my name. I couldn't see down to the street through the thick and cumulus clouds to see who was calling me. But, when I heard my name it was as if it was softly whispered in my ear, even though I knew it was coming from five flights below. My name kept being called, so I stood on the ledge of my window and dove into the clouds using them as cushions and bouncing from one to the other until I landed on one cloud right above the sidewalk. There you were. It was you. You were calling my name. But why? You looked up and tried to swipe away at the clouds to get a better view of me. You told me to fall into your arms. I began to panic. I didn't know how I was going to get back up to my window five flights above. I tried grabbing on to clouds but no luck. I tried leaping onto one above me. But, every time I landed on one it made the cloud sink a level lower. The last thing I wanted in this dream was to fall into your arms. You stood there. In your postman sort of outfit. Pressed shorts and a nice polo. You smiled but it could have passed for a cynical sneer. You kept telling me that I could fall into your arms. But, the thing was, you weren't holding your arms out. I started to call to you to hold your arms out. I knew I was falling. I knew there was a chance that I might not make it up to my window ledge. You still didn't throw your arms out. You stood there. Stoic. Sneering/Smiling. With your hands in your pockets. Whispering my name and telling me to trust you. But, you didn't lift your arms. I was so tired of fighting the clouds. I laid on my back and sank into one. My dream moved to slow motion. I passed by three clouds on my way to you. I passed by you. You didn't catch me. You stood with your cynicism in tact and your hands wringing in your pockets. I sank into the ground which seemed to be made of a soft slate colored sand. It was moving so slowly. The sand began to wrap around my legs, my body, and soon my face. I blew at the sand to keep it from my mouth and when I did, I created a strong enough wind that you blew over as if you were made of paper. The deterioration of your reality inspired strength in me and I began to sit up and wade out of the sand until I could grab a cloud and rest on it. You were a paperdoll. I made another blowing gesture and it was aimed right at you. You picked up and were whisked away in a moment. I sat with relief and comfort at the fact that you were not real. I made it back to my window ledge determined to never again to fall for a paperdoll just because they can be beautiful and joyful.

I thought I was first.
But I also thought you were real.
I can admit to being wrong.
You will never have this privilege.

Lounging by the pool....

You aren't supposed to be here if you are here right now. So don't continue from this point on. The water may be too shallow. Diving is allowed but at your own risk.

Seriously, you said you would stay away. We both agree that the water is too cold. The waves that grow when there is more than one can crash. Dangerously.
I said I didn't want to alter my thoughts or my writing just because I knew you visited.

But, that's just it. Since you have visited me, my thoughts have altered. My writing has changed. My demeanor has adjusted. People are complimenting me right and left. "You look great Clem!" "What's going on with you?" "What's the secret-you look so happy and rested?" They say to me.

Well, thanks for asking. It's joy. It's peace. It's comfort.

I am not sure what the secret is. Actually, I think the secret is, that it is not a secret. I am not keeping anything secret. There is no special key to unlock the answers to love and happiness. I think once you realize that, you stop looking for the secret answers to life's ridiculously ludicrous and thought consuming questions. And, once you have stopped looking for these secret answers you can actually spend more time realizing the present. Instead of investigating the past and the future. Just lie back and soak.

I am not perfect. I will still question. But, please don't let my questions blind you and make you not realize the present state in which I dwell and/or float.

If you are still here. I am not ashamed. If you are still here. I have said anything and everything I would and would not say to you or away from you.

If you are still here. I thank you. If you are still here. I dwell with fulfillment. Float with excitement and swim with grace.

If you are here tomorrow. I may not have the same thing to say. But, it doesn't not change the state in which I dwell.

Sometimes swimming, sometimes floating, sometimes treading, sometimes wading, sometimes waiting.....never sinking.

Going with the flow.

My pool of thoughts.

Grow For Me!

The only plant I own was dying all last week and I couldn't figure out why. Was it the drastic change in climate from cold to hot? From open window to AC? I watered it when I felt it needed it. I moved it closer to the window sill for better sun. I even watered it with some of my Smart Water because I buy into all that electrolyte enhanced marketing BS. I had also been talking to my plant. They say that helps. I would place it prominently on my desk and practice my songs by serenading it. I would then bring it back to the coffee table and tell it about my stress at work, the financial woes, and the fear involved with THE BOY. I would see the wilting of it's leaves and I guess I knew that the plant and I were bonding. I wondered what he was going through. Was the yellowed leaf an outcast and struggling to find his way in the rustle and bustle of the The World of Normal Leaves. I wondered how much taunting was coming from the group of bigger and stronger leaves. I began to root for the underdog. I would dust him off solely and stimulate the soil at his roots with my fingertips. Nothing seemed to be working. I had the beginnings of "giving up on it" stirring in my mind and heart. Oh to be the leaf. Oh if only the leaf could live for me.
So, I was lying there on my sofa one evening. I was contemplating "the world." (twice I have used quotation marks...yikes) It was one of those nights where I knew I could cry if I just played the right song or thought of enough bad shit. If I listened to the swelling voice of Patty Griffin or thought about that party in 8th grade I wasn't invited to, I could cultivate tears. So, I did. I sobbed. I sobbed a very hard and heavy sob. Not for any particular reason, just to sob. To let go of the sadness I tend to carry and to send my fears off floating down my cheeks, chin, chest. Repeating random and general phrases over and over in my head. "It will all be okay." "You are worth it." "Why?" It's funny if you think about it. I am certain we all repeat ridiculous, stereotypical, blanket phrases like these to ourselves continually and even more so during sob sessions. I believe I fell asleep shortly after this 7 or 8 minute session. The next day, I awoke to what appeared to be a very small upright stance of some of the leaves on my plant. Oh to be that leaf, struggling and dusting itself off. I will be that leaf. That day I plowed through my work, my shit, my life, "the world" (again with the ""). That night, I saw the boy and I gave into my desires. I put down my defenses (some, at least) and came to my senses. The next morning I smiled without force or conscious participation. That day consisted of a held a hand, a kissed cheek, a phone call, a laugh. I listened, stood up straight, demonstrated kindness and gratitude, felt with my heart and walked taller.
When I arrived home in the early evening, I forgot to check in with the plant. But, I found myself singing different songs than before and after a few hours I grabbed the plant, quenched it's thirst, moved it into the light and told it how I was doing. No longer was the monologue filled with pointless griping, or circular hand movements demonstrating the pattern and monotony of life. I was giggling...to my PLANT!! What have I become? I know I am getting older, but I feel like I am skipping a generation. I had such peaceful and blissful sleep that night. I remember the temperature dropping for the first time in days and I opened my windows for fresh air. By early morning, my plant had stretched it's leaves upward and onward. The yellow leaf is still a little yellow but standing up and willing itself to grow.
I know it's cheesy. I know it only makes sense in my mind and not in my words. But, we all want the same thing. We are all so closely connected to this earth, to this life. I will never misjudge the power of nature and the natural progression of all the things beyond our control. Beyond my control. My leaf and I stand alone, but among The World Of Normal Leaves.

In My Dreams

I had a dream last night. And it fit me like a glove. I was everywhere I ever wanted to be at once. I was with everyone I every wanted to be with at once. I was everything I ever hoped I would be. But, nothing was specific. It just was the way I felt in the dream. It was known. Everything was a given and my dream-self was not questioning any of it.

I was in a place with lots of doors and hallways that led to vast open spaces and other familiar places. It was similar to a mall or an airport in size and layout but with enormous old metal doors that stood 10 feet tall or higher. Everything was made of stone or brick. Like stuff in Italy or Rome. (I'm guessing) It was very Harry Potter or Shakespeare in Love but everyone was in modern attire.

In my dream I was in a hurry and very busy (which is normal). Except in my dream it was easy to be this busy. In my dream everyone knew me to be flitting about swiftly and with the greatest of ease. In my dream if I passed by a friend with a wink and a smile it felt like we spoke for hours. In my dream everyone seemed to be gliding through life. There was a swiftness and an ease in every one's movement.

In my dream one door could take me to my giant bed filled with feather pillows and satin sheets and blankets. Another door would take me to a wide open field of grass filled with all the beautiful people I could ever want to surround myself around. There were frisbees and footballs, and huge lakes with waterfalls.

In my dream I was tall. Not unusually tall, but noticeably taller than most. It was as if everyone stood between 5'8" and 6', and I stood 6'3". In my dream there was always a breeze which kept my hair blowing beautifully. Because, in my dream, my hair was flowing like Orlando Bloom. In my dream, I was golden from the sun and chiseled out of stone.

In my dream the Dr. held my hand with bursting laughter and kissed my mouth like he was breathing pure oxygenated love into my body. Then it would be the nurse and we would cry and kiss each other's tears from our cheeks while the theme song from the golden girls softly being strummed across a harp. Then the fleeting boy from six months ago would show up and dance and spin around with me to Madonna while serving me lavender scented water out of a solid silver chalice.

In my dream California was behind multiple doors with the young boy of my latter day dreams and affairs playing by a pool or sleeping under the sun. Hollywood flood lights would be circling the sky while flash bulbs would be quick spotting the memories of my future in California in strobe effect. The young boy from latter day dreams and affairs would be behind each door. Be it San Francisco or L.A.. Be it beach or pavement, he would always catch my eye, wave me over, and tell me he was playing my favorite songs.

In my dream my best friends were plump with excitement and vigor and were full bodied beautiful people of power. They had dozens of little ones at their feet following in their footsteps learning the lessons my friends laid in their trails.

In my dream my happiness fueled other people's happiness and vice verse. In my dream it smelled like fresh flowers everywhere I turned and it seemed to be a comfortable temperature lacking in humidity. Fountains were made of succulent beer and savory coffees. Roads had no lines and land had no borders. The colors were of autumn, spring, summer and winter combined.

In my dream I could float and fly whenever I needed to breathe deeper or clear my mind. It was limited to only those times and I was unable to fly or float very high or fast.

In my dream my families were alive in pictures and words that floated by in low hanging clouds. When they passed by, a flourish of memories and energy filled my soul.

In my dream I go to sleep with my prayers of thanks and praise.

Everything But The Girl

Everything here is telling me I should be fine.
But, I am missing you everytime.

I will be back with you. You will be back with me.
We will have much to read.

Is there anyone out there? Cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

Throw me a rope to hold me in place.
As I walk past your door where you don't live anymore.

Like the deserts miss the rain, my heart misses the release.

I will return to this writing and to this relationship and that relationship. It's time to stop Wallowing.

I miss you and I miss you.