The midwest can be so awful. It's a hurricane or tornado of ignorance. But it is also a sanctuary of family values and breeding. It's a whirlwind every time I go. This time was no different.
I was sucked into the vortex or maybe even the eye of the storm. I sat peacefully in the center watching the mess fly around me in an uncontrollable flourish of debris and destruction. Except where the eye is usually peaceful, this time I sat with discomfort and my eyes took in all that I witnessed. People. People genuinely happy. They don't need to be fluent in three languages. They didn't need to make more money. They didn't need to have traveled over seas. They didn't need a glass of pinot noir. They didn't need to discuss politics or the golden globe nominations. They didn't need a pair of ugg boots. They didn't need to check their email, blackberry, flight status. They didn't need Chanel Platinum or degree body heat activated.
They were happy with their English language saturated with poor grammar and a red-neck dialect. They were happy with their 21,000 dollar teaching job with benefits and summers off. They were ecstatic about their honeymoon to Orlando or Vegas. Coors Light brought a smile to their face and kept them looking cool and easy going. Telling the same work story over and over paired with a college memory kept the laughter up to par and the conversation at a steady pace. A pair of Faded Glory simple black pumps will dress up all there required functions for the year. They didn't need home computers, their cell phones were used only when they travel, and almost everyone drove back to the hometown with no flight delays or lost luggage. The secret was out....most everything was strong enough for a man but made for a woman.
I realized this weekend that I am not okay with my life as a whole. I realized it has a lot to do with my sexuality. I pride myself on my level of comfort in my own skin. But, I am spoiled. I live in a gay metropolitan city. I work in a reputable gay establishment with 90% gay employees. I have had only gay or straight female roommates. I went to theatre school. I work in the arts. I live in Manhattan.
I live a sheltered life. No different than the one's that my heterosexual, anti-cosmopolitan breeder friends do.
I want to be like everyone else. I want what everyone wants. The easy life. The American Dream. I don't hate it. My life. I don't believe I chose it. My sexuality. I don't think it can change. My sexuality. But, I am not happy. My life and my sexuality. I want what everyone else wants.
I want children. I want my parents to become grandparents. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with a floor full of presents and the house full of cheer and voices. I want for us to be on top of each other with so many family around. I want to take my son outside to go sledding or snowman making. I want to swap pictures of Tristin's first lost tooth and Trinity's first time being a flower girl at the latest wedding. I want to stuff my face with horrible fatty foods. I want to watch football and actually care. I want to have Brenda Lee and Dolly Parton's Christmas Album on repeat. I want my refrigerator to be stocked with Velveeta and 2% milk, instant coffee and home-made bread and cookies. I want individual pudding snacks for all the nieces and nephews. I want dog biscuits for Jake.
I want people to stop looking at me. I want people to stop whispering. I want people to stop dodging the question. I want people to stop telling me how good I look. I want people to stop showing me pictures of their kids. I want the guys to stay at the table and talk instead of step into the lobby to watch the game. I want people to stop being afraid of me. Afraid for the children to be around me. I want the hot football jock from High School to treat me the way he did when he didn't know. I want my outfit to not stand out. I want people to not care. I want people to stop hating, judging, over-thinking. I want to stop being the Side Show attraction at very low budget, dirty and dingy carnival.
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A place to poke fun, a place to pour my heart out, or sometimes a piece of the cake of life.
7 comments:
You don't really want mundanity. "Normalcy" (whatever the hell that is) may seem appealing, but I'm guessing you'd get pretty tired of it pretty quickly. (That's basically why you came to New York in the first place, wasn't it? Escape from all that?)
Do you remember that whole sub-plot in Superman II when Superman became so misanthropic and tired of being the world's only superhero (not to mention overwhelmed with a desire to bang Lois Lane) that he gave up all his superpowers? And then how he regretted it all post-coitus?
Sure, it's fun to be Clark Kent -- but only when you know that you're really so much more than anyone else realizes. That you're Superman.
Time heals all wounds. Stay strong and remember it isn't your fault. People come in all shapes, sizes and persuasions- it's just taking some a bit longer to realize that. Say yes to gay marriage/civil unions and you may eventually fulfill at least some of you dreams.
that's really sad. if you are proud of who you are, be proud. you can have all of those things with a husband, AND live where ever you choose. true it's harder because people are ignorant, but just be you, and be happy. for what it's worth. ~Jodi
I want you to know that I love this post.
It is honest and passionate, and I hope that you get enough of what you want to be happy. I know we can't all have everything we want...I mean, I want the kids and the house and the dog biscuits too...but the cards fall where they may. But I want you to be able to be you without being conscious of what it means to be you. Because everyone should be able to have at least that.
Merry Christmas, Clem.
p.s. i loved this post too by the way. i didn't mean to chime in negatively. i have many many gay friends (cause i'm in theatre!) who are married, some with children, some just dating. they are apart of a family which we have created, even if their "real" family doesn't approve. they are loved, always.
I hope you got my comment on this post a few days back. My computer crashed just as I clicked "Publish." Maybe you thought it was silly...or too personal. Or maybe you just didn't get it. Whatever the case, you seemed especially bent up, and I felt compelled to at least attempt to shoulder some of your despair.
Merry Christmas!
I'd much rather leave my kids -- if I had any -- with the family homo -- if there was one -- than with the MAJORITY of the 'normal' pervert cousins and uncles. I'm serious. My straight uncle was a child molester. My gay uncle was NOT.
The straights' fear that all homosexuals are perverts just pisses me off. My gay friends are no more attracted to children than my straight friends are! Who the FUCK decided 'homosexual' means 'paedophile'?!
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