Check Lists

This is the first time I have ever written drunk. intoxicated with alcohol but intoxicated with fear and loathing.

I can't quite understand what is happening in my world right now. I give. Or so I think. I think. Or so I feel. I feel or so I wished.

But, ultimately, the dealer is tossing out the worst hand.

People warned me of this. Of turning 30. Of realizing your truths. Of actualizing your reality. And, I recently was asked by a reader, if I was happy.

He said he follows my blog and wants to know if I am sad. I guess I lied. I told him I am happy. Because, I don't have much to not be happy about. I have friends, and a great job, and a great family and tons of other wonderful things happening in my life. But, I seem to be missing reality. Reality seems to be passing me by and I have no idea. Reality seems to be knocking on my door and I stay in bed fearing it is a creditor or my landlord. Reality is....

that I am not attractive.

that I am not doing what I came here to do.

that I am sadder than I ever realized.

that I am older than I ever intended to be.

that life is not a passing fancy.

that my friends are not always my FRIENDS.

that truth takes some digging.

that I have not learned enough to move on.

that I will always fuck up.

that I don't know how to live and let live.

that I make mistakes.

that he did love me.

that he still does.

that he lied. that they will lie. that i will too.

I am drunk. i am sad. I am publishing this post no matter what.

Reality check.

Job-Check
Money-Check
Friends-Check
Family-Check
Love------?
Truth-----?

What does it take to receive the check marks I deserve.