I need an Ace or a King

Recently, my friend joely posted on her blog with the title Solitaire. It was a haunting title for me. Lately, I have been passing my subway time by playing the solitaire game that comes with my Motorola Razor phone. I go through solitaire phases. Sometimes to kill the time I read, other times it's ipod listening, then there are the solitaire times.

Solitaire times usually come when my mind can't stay focused on a book because it will run back into the wilds of my racing thoughts. Solitaire times usually stay around a bit too long when my emotions can't seem to listen to a whole song with out using the song as a background track to the stories of my life.

The biggest issue I am having right now with the solitaire on my razor phone, is that I have yet to win a single game. I can't remember if I ever have won a game of solitaire on this phone and I have had this phone since October of last year. But, it has really begun to upset me in the past few months. The paranoid me thinks, "What does my phone have against me?" The perfectionist control freak in me thinks, "What wrong moves am I making with my cards? The self-deprecating me thinks, "Maybe I don't know the game of solitaire and it's not the game for me."

I want to scream at the screen of my phone when I have run out of options with my solitaire cards. I have to reluctantly give in to failing at this silly game. I flip my phone closed and open again to start a whole new game.

Somewhere on the other side of the technological world there is a dealer of those cards and this dealer has yet to deal me one workable hand of the simple game of solitaire.

Somewhere on the other side of the world there is a guy who is winning at solitaire. He may even enjoy the game. Maybe he was so good at solitaire, he's advanced to games with more than himself.

I am on the other side of this world losing. Playing day after day. Desperately trying to learn to win a game against myself. Equally frustrated and sad at each loss.

I don't think I am cut out for solitaire. I don't know how long I can keep up this losing streak before caving into my side of the world.

I am moving toward the acceptance that solitaire is not for me. I am not cut from a solitary cloth. I am not made to be solitary.

But, if I never learn to conquer solitaire, will I ever be ready for the games that are played at the next level?