Stop. Change.

Sometimes, when two people talk long enough with one another (say hours) and thoughts are free flowing, bouncing of one another like the discussion is made of rubber, discoveries can be made.

She told me to stop trying to change. Stop trying to make the change happen. Especially with the intangible. Let it change on it's own.

Let it.
It.
My feelings.
My emotions.
My thoughts.
It.
My heart.

I have always been the guy, like so many others, who pushes forward, moves on, plows ahead, etc., etc. "Shake it off!" The phrase used by so many coaches in my childhood and adolescence.

My friends are my life coaches. They coach me to get up off the couch. They coach me to take a breather and plant it on the bench when it's time.

One of my favorite coaches is pushing me to stop forcing change. To relish. To languish in my state. The good, the bad, the beautiful. Until it or I change or not without force. She reminded me that we live in a society geared and focused on getting over, moving on, or as she likes to say-'push it to the wayside.' When something sad happens we have millions of suggestions being thrown at us as 'how to' move on. When tragedy strikes we have dozens of people and things urging us to remember to laugh.

I agreed.

I don't want to get over it. I don't want to move on. I'm not ready to pretend it didn't happen. It won't happen. It never happened. I don't want to force myself to go through some given set of circumstances to prove my life can go on. I don't want to make the "normal" bold strides with the expectation of a certain outcome that will only be false and contrived by me. I don't want to stop missing you. I don't want to stop dreaming. I don't want to stop hoping. I don't want to stop fantasizing. I don't want to stop feeling. I don't want to stop aching.

I want to brood, plan, ponder. I want to yearn, desire, reminisce. I want to long, laugh, and cry. I want to hold on. I want to keep believing. I want to toss and turn. I want to sigh.

Until it slowly evolves into something else. Until IT transforms from tears to laughter. From anguish to relief. From intolerable to consolable.

I am not ready to make anything happen. I am just letting "ME" happen. The most I can do, right now, is deal with IT, and the rollercoaster ride IT brings with it.