Awkward Pose

My week has been full of changes. Hell, I would go as far to say that my year (2006 so far) has been one big change. In my most recent changes, I have been put in awkward situations. I have felt awkward about my position and my stance. I have been reaching out and trying not to fall back. I have been lied to, placated, left in the dark, tugged, pushed, plopped down, patted on the back, yelled at, cried to, begged for, taken for granted, taken advantage, you name it. And, that is just in my professional life. Sometimes, I feel myself forgetting to breathe. Sometimes, my breath becomes quick. Sometimes, I feel like I am bending backwards for these people. Sometimes they are twisting my arms and legs like ropes. Sometimes, I lie on my back in the middle of the floor focusing on one spot on the ceiling feeling wrung out.

I think it is probably the fifth posture in the bikram yoga series. It's English name is appropriate but not perfect. Mostly, because there are more postures throughout the practice that are far more awkward to get yourself into than the actual "Awkward Pose."

In the pose, you stand straight with your feet hips distance apart and then raise your arms up and out in front of you. You keep your arms firm and straight until your finger tips are stretching forward from your shoulders and your arms are at a ninety degree angle from your torso. Then, you proceed to sit your butt down as if there were a chair behind you. You keep your weight on your heels, your hands stretching forward and you go dow to chair level. The instructor's are repeating, "go back, way back, feel like your gonna fall back, go back." It is a strange sensation. You do feel like you are gonna fall back. Sometimes people do fall back. Sometimes they fall back to get the teacher's attention. Sometimes you don't sit down far enough and you miss that falling sensation. But, the struggle is intense. You are reaching forward but sitting back at the same time. It's a mental game that your body isn't helping you win. Your thigh biceps are tense and possibly shaking. Your ankles feel the weight of your body and your mind. Your arms are exhausted. Your breath is quick. Then the instructor announces...."Change." You release.

In Bikram Yoga, you hold your poses for a length of time between 20 and 60 seconds. It feels like a lifetime. But, the release, when the instructor says 'change', is rewarding.

I don't know how much longer I can hold my awkward pose. It's been six days now. I don't see an end in sight. My instructor's have left the room. They didn't say when they would be back. But, they did ask me to hold it. They did ask me to go back, way back. They did ask me to keep reaching forward. I am sweating. I have tears on my face. My body is tight and tense. I am reaching and falling. My breath is short. My chest is up. I am just waiting for the instructor to return and say the word. The word that I hope will bring me some rewards. The word that when uttered I will feel the total benefits of my awkward pose. One can hope.

"CHANGE"