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Dear Dad,

First of all, things have been so ridiculously busy, that I have to apologize for not being around or in touch much lately. My job has nearly sucked the marrow out of me. I supposed you could say that's just as much my fault as it is my higher ups. But, so far I am still happy at the bar. I am making great money, have lots of control (which we all know I love), and I feel like a professional adult for the first time in my life. I have a title. I am the General Manager. Yay for Me! Anyway, I am sorry for being so out of touch.

So, I guess you are probably wondering why I am writing you a letter? Well, for many reasons actually. I wished I could go into all the reasons. I wished I could retrace my steps from childhood to today. I wished I could detail all the things I wanted to say throughout my lifetime in one letter. But, with a letter like this, I just have to do my best to cut to the chase. I can't give you all the back story that I wished I could. I can't catch you up on the nearly ten years of my life that you've been away from. I can't explain my theories on life, love, and human development. I can't inform you of how I have come to the conclusions that I stand firmly on.
All I can do is say what I must.

Before you come to visit me here in NYC, there is one very important part of my life you have to hear. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to like it. You just have to know it.
I am gay.

It's a secret I have not only kept from you, but from many of my friends and family for years. It was once a secret from myself. However, in the past 8 years, I have become increasingly more comfortable with myself and my life. I have come to learn that being gay is a part of who am I just as much as being a brown-eyed Cherokee boy is a part of me. I can not change this. Believe me, I tried. I prayed and sobbed my first year in New York away. And since then, I have never wanted to sob away another year of my life. It has only been since your recent decision to visit that I have begun to sob again the way I did when I was just 18 or 19 years old. Some strange fear in me has resurfaced and I can't go a day without thinking about your impending trip and what it means to my peaceful, turbulent free, gay life in New York City. The life I have been comfortably leading for ten years now. A life that has included relationships, heartbreak, trials and tribulations, acceptance, denial, bigotry, homophobia, prejudice, love, sex, struggle, joy, pain, success, and friends.

Then something occurred to me. I am a great person. I am that smart son. That attractive son. That talented son. That successful son. That funny son I have always been. I am still me. The me you see. Only, I am gay. It occurred to me that I have been living this life that I am so proud of and keeping it a secret from you. Ironic that my whole life all I have wanted to do was make you and Mom and Cody proud, and here I am...PROUD. Strange that my biggest fear has been disappointing my parents. When all the while, in this not so quiet little place on the east coast, I have been living loudly and proudly and not sharing this pride with the people I desired most to please. It also occurred to me, that I am approaching 30 years old. I can't live my life to please anyone but myself anymore. I don't want to live my life with secrets. The kind of secrets that you and your family and siblings have kept from each other. I don't want to have a relationship with either you or Mom that doesn't include this huge part of me. I don't want to keep secrets from each other anymore.

That being said, the secret is out. Now, you do what you want with it. You want to keep it a secret? That's your choice. I won't. At least not from you. You know now. That's all that matters to me. The box is unlocked. The lid is off and it is no where to be found. And Dad, I know that you have your secrets too. We all do. Families have secrets. If you ever want to tell me any of yours, you know I will listen. If your trip out to NYC to see where I live and what my life is like is a step to building a stronger relationship with me, then my telling you about being gay is my step to a better relationship with you.

Whatever you want to know, just ask. Whenever you are ready to know, just ask. You don't want to know anything? I won't ask. But, in coming out to NYC, I had to come out to you. I have a life here. It involves me being gay. I wouldn't have been able to hide it from you. Ten years can't be put in a box and slid under my bed.

I still want you to come visit. I want you to meet my friends. I want you to see the beautiful place at which I work and the city I call home. I want to do whatever you are hoping to do. If this letter changes your mind about visiting, I will understand. If you have trouble with this part of my life, I will understand. I will be frustrated, hurt and disappointed, but I will still understand. If I am capable of this understanding, all I ask is for you to try for the same understanding.

Take your time. But, please call, write, or email when you have received this.

Sincerely with love and respect,
Your Proud Gay Son
Chad