My Brush with Keanu Bergin or Patrick Reeves

He walked up to me. He was drunk.
He threw his right arm around me forcing me to lean away from his naked torso. (Earlier in the day he said he would be going shirtless later and hoped I could handle it) WHA??

He looked at me with his chin down, eyes up toward his brows and head slightly cocked to one side. This is his look. He has perfected it. It's this studied nonchalance that is undeniably deliberate and as fake as Keanu Reeves' voice. It doesn't work on me. It didn't work on Matt, it repulsed Tim, and freaked Brian out. Lucas was the only one used to it and he knew how to ignore it. He was trying to come on to me. He could feel me resist his pull but he insisted on holding tighter. He had to see that my face was turning frantically side to side to dodge his beer and whiskey breath but he brought his mouth closer and closer to my face. He had to know that what he was doing looked like an after-school special about teenage girls learning to say no. He began to say the most ridiculous lines of crap to me. ON top of the crap he said, he delivered it in this syrup-y, affected, pouty-lipped voice.... (insert Keanu's voice mixed with the crazy husband in Sleeping with the Enemy that Julia Roberts is running from, Mr. Patrick Bergen)
"you look hot today. do you think I look hot?"
"You wanna kiss me, don't cha'?"
"Come on, Clem! Oh, come on!"

At this point it sounded like it was heading deeper into the plot of a Lifetime Television for Women Rape Movie. But, for me it was the opposite. It cracked me up. The laughter started in my groin. I tried to stifle it. But, to no avail. The laughter came popping out like a pot of boiling water with the lid on. At first, the lid would pop open for a quick millisecond letting a drop out, and then it would pop open with more frequency until I was bursting with laughter and I flipped my lid. It probably hurt his feelings. I probably looked a little crazy. But, I couldn't help it. It was so bad it was good. It's like Elizabeth Berkley's acting in SHOWGIRLS. It repulsed me and made me sad, but, ultimately, I was entertained.

He didn't stand a chance.

Call it a defense mechanism, my laughing, but it was funny. No one wants to be pinned against a wall and forced to do something they don't want to. I am not overlooking the violating aspect of this. But we were in a public space with lots of people watching. He wanted to make a scene. However, he was three sheets to the wind. The scene he gave us was like watching William Hung sing "She Bangs" with the utmost confidence and reckless abandon. He gave us SHOWS, honey. And, I gave him audience reaction. Just not the reaction he expected.

The cocky son of a bitch!