My SOMETIMES (Rarely Known)

All of the time I think. All of the time I feel. All of the time I wish, hope, desire. All of the time I try. All of the time I stretch myself. All of the time I give my all. All of the time I am proud.

Most of the time I fake it. Most of the time I lie to myself. Most of the time I deny myself. Most of the time I let it roll of my back. Most of the time I take it in but don't dish it out. Most of the time I smile. Most of the time I want more. Most of the time I expect less. Most of the time I leave most of it out.

Some times I think I have failed. Some times I think that life is rough, tumbling, crazy. Some times I cry. Some times I bitch, moan, whine, complain, sigh. Some times I fight, put up defenses, manipulate. Some times I sleep too much, avoid phone calls, lie. Some times I hate myself, hurt myself, berate myself. Some times I judge, discriminate, ridicule. Some times I obsess, cling, worry. Some times I feel misunderstood, ignored, betrayed. Some times I am lonely. Some times I am lost. Some times I give in. Some times I am overcome.

Sometimes happens only some times, and it hits me like a fist to the stomach. Knocking the wind out of me. I sit gasping for air. Trying to talk myself out of my own reality. And when sometimes happens I am usually alone. Having just hung up the phone or just read an email or just finished a song. But some times, sometimes happens and someone sneaks up on me. They end up bearing witness to my sometime and they either turn and walk away or some times, maybe some times, they stay. Last night... Lucas stayed.

As uncomfortable as the moment may have been for me. It was more uncomfortable for him. But, he uncomfortably placed his hand on my back as I tried to disguise my sometime from him. He told me things will be okay. He told me he thought I was doing great. He told me this too shall pass. He hugged me. I hugged him hard. Really hard. I clung. I cried. ..."some times you need to cry"...some times...
...some times...
sometimes...NEED!

Thank you.