We all Fall Down

The enormity of devours me.

I sit down to write and I can't think of anything else. I attempt to focus on another topic and ultimately that topic is tainted and angled in the direction of the main emotion that pumps through my veins right now. We are parting.

I am unmotivated. I hardly go to the gym or yoga anymore. I hardly see friends or make plans. I haven't been to the movies in months. Since the Oscar season, perhaps. I haven't been to the theatre and the Tony Awards are right around the corner. I haven't even been on my blades. I don't return calls. Hell, I hardly pick up.

I was talking to my oldest friend Jody about how these situations we get ourselves into affect our self image without us even being conscious of it. These parting of the ways. These separations. They make us feel a little like failures. I wonder what I did wrong? Question mark. Or, better yet, what is wrong with me? Question Mark. I am not consciously walking around hating myself, but, I am staying in bed. I am hiding my body under sport jackets even in 80 degree weather. I am dodging mirrors and glances. I am drinking alcohol even with a cold/flu barreling through my body. I am listening to Keane on repeat. The signs point to depression but my conscious mind thinks I am functioning and that is all that matters.

I hate my hair. I need a tan. I have completely lost my shape. And, I think that I lost my shape because I never had it together to begin with. I met HIM and he put me together and discovered my shape. This being the first time I saw my shape. Not with my own eyes but through HIS. He was the support beams holding up my rough foundation for the past two years. Now, it is time to take down the added, temporary support beams and allow myself to crumble. The next time around, however, I need to put myself back together in the shape that I want to be. I need to be supporting myself without the use of added support beams. The fact that my shape was so fragile and in need of support beams in the first place makes me think the relationship was doomed from the start.

I am not quite sure what I am even saying. If my body is the house of my soul. I need to build a sanctuary for my soul to live in. And, maybe someday, I can remodel and have an addition to the house instead of supports.