PART II...Eternal Questions of My Reckless Mind

But what was I crying about? And did I really have to be that dramatic? Turn on some lights for cryin' out loud! I probably only let 20-30 minutes pass after listening to Joely's voicemail before calling her back. It felt like hours.

I call her back. She hears the heartache and heaviness of my voice and pries it out of me. I told her I really thought I had messed it up with the guy from SWEET and VICIOUS. I told her meeting him really made me realize that this "thing" with Wiseman was over. The guy from SWEET and VICIOUS stirred something in me that no one had stirred in quite some time. I was tired of settling just to avoid loneliness. We must have talked for nearly two hours. Actually, we didn't do much talking. There was whinning and bitching and moaning. There was a lot of silence and sighing. We were wallowing, no languishing, in our self-pity together. Joely's attitude, however, was slightly more up than mine. So, it was her that had to pull me up by my boot straps and rally. She kept saying...'let's do something...grab a drink...see a movie...just come over....come on'....clem don't be like this....let's do something....'

I reluctantly offered up the suggestion of seeing this new movie that I knew nothing about, called Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I can't recall if she had heard anything about it or not, but it didn't matter. She was being a good friend and knew I needed company. She jumped on my suggestion with a definitive, 'where and what time?'

It was a Sunday. I hadn't showered. I was still hung over. I was hungry. I remember that I wore cords and a t-shirt with a thermal underneath. I probably still had a trace of eyeliner left over from the night before, and my eyelashes were still holding on to their curl. I wore that ugly scarf. The one responsible for giving me diaper rash on my neck with my cheap H&M corduroy coat with the fake lamb's wool inside. I sent Wiseman's call to voicemail, never listened to it, and never called him back. I picked up my journal, caught the subway and wrote about the guy from SWEET and VICIOUS.

Joely and I caught the last showing of Eternal Sunshine at the AMC 25 on 42nd Street. So, it was probably a 10ish showing. Roughly two hours later, after midnight, we left the theatre in silence. Well, silent except for the sounds of our running noses and the crunch of our popcorn napkins being used as tissue. Neither one of us spoke when collecting our coats and things. Neither one of us spoke when waiting for the other to use the bathroom. No words down the escalators. Nothing spoken in the first ten yards away from the theatre.
Finally,
words.
Words, words, and more words flew from my mouth. Joel searched for words. We felt it. The movie worked for us, and it couldn't have happened at a more appropriate time in both of our lives. We went to Collin's Bar. Joel ordered a vodka-soda. I ordered a beer. We talked about memories. How memories are sometimes painful even though they're fond ones. How we can't remember all the things we wished we could. How this moment we were sharing would soon be over and be only a memory. We talked about dreams. How Michel Gondry captured the dream-state so accurately. How haunting and real our dreams can sometimes feel. We talked about lovers. How lovers come and go. How do we know when to stay with a lover? How lovers are complicated and if only we could go back to the beginning of every one of our relationships and start it all over again. We talked about which character we identified with the most. Joel was the character who suffered quietly. Joel was the mourner of his lost memories. Clementine was the spontaneous and spastic character. Clem's emotions were always on a rollercoaster. Thus, how I became Clementine and CC became Joel.

That movie and it's message resonated with me and stayed with me for days. I made the call to "call it off" with Wiseman. I journaled obsessively about the movie, the guy from SWEET and VICIOUS, my complacency with my own life's journey. Eternal Sunshine moved me, made me think, and kick started my heart. That movie has actually stayed with me nearly two years later. I own it on DVD. Joely bought for me as my birthday gift in 2004. I probably watch it once every 2-3 months. I watch it alone. While it was still in theatres, I saw it four times. One of those times was with the guy from SWEET and VICIOUS. That's right! He looked me up on FriendSter. He wrote me a short and sweet message. Basically, I did come on too strong but after a few days he realized he liked that and would love to have a date with me.

As March 19th 2006 approaches, it marks the two year anniversary of the birth of Joely and Clem. It marks two years of forward steps with very few back steps. It marks two years of constant change for the better.

On March 19th 2004, I weighed in at 131lbs on my 5'11" frame. On March 19th 2006, I will weigh in somewhere between 153-156lbs. On March 19th 2004, I was eating hot dogs and turkey burgers. On March 19th 2006, I will go to Bar Centrale and order a bottle of wine and the lobster quesadilla. On March 19th 2004, I was working part-time filing ticket orders for Broadway shows for $13 hour. On March 19th 2006, I will have my first day off after five consecutive work days as the full-time manager of a successful bar/lounge in midtown Manhattan. Salary plus benefits. On March 19th 2004, I was living in Brooklyn with mice. On, March 19th 2006, I will be at home in midtown Manhattan with my boyfriend. The guy from SWEET and VICIOUS. It will be one week before our 2 year anniversary.

These are my eternal comments on my speechless mind.